Imagine Jerry Seinfeld as a short fat balding man of indeterminate race
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Favourite United player: Paul Scholes
Favourite current United player: Danny Welbeck
What advice would you give Louis van Gaal: 1. Diversify your bonds, 2. Never take advice from someone like me, 3. Ed Balls
Favourite United Goal: This one, recounted exquisitely by our very own Herzog’s Child. The technical and aesthetic peak of Sir Alex’s most accomplished side. How about that.
Where will United finish this season: 1st – I say this every year. I have no idea why you keep asking me about it every year, because I will type the same thing until the number 1 key on my keyboard finally – wonky, but not as bad as the Q – decides to give it up.
Best United side: Conceptually, “best” is such a slippery word when we’re talking about football. On a solely objective basis, the ’07-08 side just about edges it. But I was 11 years old in ’98-99. Since then, every feeling – every tingle of the skin, swell of the chest and bit of moisture around the upper third of the face, The euphoria, the beauty of the collective, the almost life-threatening drama of almost every big match, the fearless, joyous, recklessly dogmatic commitment to attacking football at all times. Individually, each of these attributes are inaccessible to all but the most successful football teams. The ’98-’99 team exhibited all of these (and far more), and in so doing, delivered the greatest and most thrilling season by any sports team in history.
Player you’d like to see at Old Trafford: Arturo Vidal is the obvious and sensible choice, the whimsical personal choice is Pablo Aimar – one of my favourite footballers never to play for United.
Who will finish top scorer at United: Robin van Persie.