Don’t believe everything you think.”
Favourite United player: Paul Scholes, my favourite footballer ever.
Favourite current United player: Danny Welbeck.
What advice would you give David Moyes: Always cut your sandwiches diagonally, because they taste better that way for some reason. Well, you probably don’t make your own sandwiches, David, so get your monkey butler to cut them diagonally for you. But if you don’t already have a monkey butler, my advice is to get a monkey butler and never watch the movie Dunston Checks In because it’s rubbish.
Favourite United Goal: Ronaldo’s second at the Emirates, April 2009. A gorgeously devastating counter-attack, at the home of a major rival, to seal our place in the European Cup final. The finest moment of Fergie’s most accomplished side.
Where will United finish this season: I think we’ll finish 3rd, but I say 1st every season – so 1st.
Best United side (list of players): Only going on players I’ve seen, I’d go with: Schmeichel; G. Neville, Rio, Vidic, Evra; Ronaldo, Scholes, Keane (C), Giggs; Cantona, Rooney.
Player you’d like to bring to Old Trafford: This question is so open-ended that I’m going to have fun with it. Does it mean any player, where money’s no issue and the player/current club will automatically OK the deal? If so, the obvious answer is Leo Messi. But “player” is also unclear – could it mean a hockey player? An oboe player? A cricket player, perhaps? If so, I nominate the legendary Chennai Super Kings batsman Napoleon Einstein. And what do you mean by “bring to Old Trafford” exactly? Anyways, I would bring Napoleon Einstein to Old Trafford in a driverless helicopter made of Gummy Bears.